Love Me, Kill Me
by darkotter
Summary: Kanda's been pushing Allen away ever since Komui explained the situation. "Are you disgusted with me?" the boy asked. Kanda didn't know how to answer. Yullen


A/N: I wrote this after reading chapter 170 of DGM...It gave me inspiration. xD So, if you hven't...read up past like...the ark arc, this may contain spoilers. Just warning you. This is also yullen. Shonen-ai alert. So, please read and review! 8D

This is a drabble...no mroe after it. xD so don't as for it.

_Disclaimer - I do not own D.Gray-Man._

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"What're you doing?" Kanda's sharp voice cut across the training room.

Allen looked up from his one handed pushups, spotting him. He did one more, than pulled himself up to his feet. "What? I can't do my morning routine?" he asked, running his hand through his hair.

Kanda paused. It wasn't really the fact that Allen was doing his routine that he was mad. It was his unnerving calm about the '14th' and the Noah that seemed to be dwelling inside him. He had said that he would stop it. But Kanda wasn't so sure.

"…Nothing," the samurai snapped, turning swiftly. "Forget it."

The silver haired exorcist's eyes softened slightly. "Yuu…what's wrong?" he asked softly. "I know something's wrong."

Kanda stopped, then turned swiftly. "How can you be so calm?!" he growled, glaring at the boy.

"…About what?" Allen asked, still calm, walking over to Kanda.

"About the _Noah_ and the _14__th_ and _everything_!" Kanda said, glaring. "You're so calm and so sure that you can stop him!"

Allen watched him silently, then said, "Because I believe I'm strong enough to stop him."

"What if your not?!" Kanda growled. "What if your not strong enough? You can't save everyone! You might be the one who needs to be saved! Don't push me away!"

The exorcist stared at the samurai, eyes still soft. "Do you think I'm weak?" he murmured, keeping eye contact. "Do you think I'm _not_ strong enough? That I'll fall?"

"…No I—"

"And I wasn't the one who was avoiding you," Allen continued gently. "I wasn't the one who disappeared from the room after Komui explained."

"It was…I didn't…shut up!" he spluttered. He hadn't thought that Allen had noticed his absence. That he had pulled away then left when he thought the boy was asleep.

"Yuu…are you scared of me?" the boy asked softly. "Is that why you keep leaving? Is that why you don't hold me or kiss me or…"

"No! Shut up!" Kanda said swiftly. "Its…its not that!" He was flustered. Allen was saying all of the things that he was trying to hide.

Allen closed his eyes for a moment. "Or are you disgusted with me? Because of the Noah that's hanging over me?" he asked, opening his eyes. They were slightly dark than normal, Kanda noticed. A darker shade of silver, or blue gray.

Kanda mouthed silently. He was angry with Allen for saying those things--for even thinking those things--but he was also angry with himself. Because they were true. Both of those things. He didn't want to touch Allen. He was contaminated.

"…I see," Allen said softly.

"No!" the samurai said swiftly.

"I understand, Yuu," Allen said. "Its ok."

The boy started walking past Kanda, his shirt in one hand, heading out of the training room. The samurai's eyes widened slightly and he grabbed Allen's wrist. In one swift motion, he slammed him into the wall.

"Where're you going?" Kanda hissed, holding him against the stone.

Allen stared at his former lover. He didn't seem surprised. His eyes were still that same dark hue, filled with sadness. But Kanda could see a sparkle in them as well. _Strong_.

"I didn't say any of those things," he snapped. Allen stayed silent. "You said them. I was worried, don't you get that? I don't want to have to kill you! You know how hard that'd be? After all those times…and knowing that I'd have to one day kill you?"

"I won't let him out," Allen said stubbornly. "I can stop him."

"Stop saying that! What if you can't?! What if I have to run my sword through you?" he asked.

"There would be others…Lavi…Lenalee…they could do it…they're not as connected—"

"I wouldn't let them! I wouldn't let you kill yourself or them kill you! I'd protect you and then you'd kill everyone else! That's what would happen!" Kanda said, getting somewhat desperate. "Don't you understand?!"

Allen stayed silent, only his eyes moving. He seemed to have stopped breathing as well. His chest was still. But his eyes continued to move. They glanced around the entire room, as if to remember it. Then they made it back to Kanda's face. Kanda stared at him as the gray eyes danced, examining. They finally stopped at Kanda's navy gaze.

"Are you disgusted with touching me?" Allen asked bluntly, finally making a sound. "Are you sick of yourself for actually sleeping with me, all those times? When I was contaminated, diseased, touched by the Noah? Are you sorry you fell in love with me?"

His words startled Kanda. His voice was flat and emotionless. His eyes bore into Kanda's darker ones.

But in response, instead of trying to think up words to answer Allen's blunt, emotionless questions, he leaned forward and placed a bruising kiss on the silver haired boy's lips.

It seemed like they were frozen. At that exact moment. Their lips locked together. It was only them. Together. Nothing else, in the whole order, in the whole world. Why had he stopped kissing him? He wasn't bad or dirty. He was Allen. And right now, Allen tasted so good.

After what seemed like a millisecond or an eternity—either one worked—Kanda broke away. They were both panting. Allen's cheeks were slightly flushed, and the dark haired boy's was probably as well.

"…Does that answer your questions?" Kanda asked slowly. Allen stayed silent for a moment, then leaned forward, pulling the samurai's head closer, his black fingers tangled in the black hair, and kissed him again.

"Why did I pull away?" Kanda murmured, more to himself, pressing himself against Allen. "Screw this all…I don't care if there's a Noah in there."

"I'd rather if you screwed _me_," Allen said, breaking the kiss. Eyes dancing, hair slicked from his morning exercise, pale skin flushed slightly, he was beautiful. Kanda didn't care if there was a Noah. Or if that Noah might come out any time. He didn't care. He just kissed him again, crushingly.

"Fine by me," Kanda grunted, feeling Allen's knee rise slightly between his legs. "Perfect by me."

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A/N: Thanks for reading! Please review! 8D


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